Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Just one of those days...

Have you ever wanted to cry, for no reason?

Have you ever wanted to hep someone, but had no idea how?

Have you ever wanted to tell someone verythig that mattered but didn't know how to bring it up?

That would be where I am at.

I had a pretty scary dream about the end of the world last night, which in turn makes me pretty sensative today. More so than normal. I felt like crying, but I had no reason to. That feeling sucks.

Then I read something a very dear person to me wrote, and I DID cry. It hurts to know that people aren't their true selves around you because they are afraid of what you'll think. I try my best to not be judgemental, but the problem is I am distrustful and it takes a lot for me to trust someone right away. People unfortunately take that as judging, and in turn I lose friends. It's taken me awhile to realize how lucky I am to have the friends I do, because they know my moods and everything that is on my past and how it has affected me and they take me as I am. I just wish I could see that more often. Leanne is mzing; she supports me no matter how many stupid mistak I make, and will just hug me when I cry. Lindsay may not be around much, but when she is she always gives the best advice (even if I already know what she will say!). Even when my friends are overprotective of me, I know it's because they hate seeing me hurt in the past and just want what's best for me. But anyways, I hate knowing someone is hurting but not having any idea what to do about it.

I wish I wasn't so quiet sometimes. Yes, I know I'm a loudmouth. But I am actually fairly quiet sometimes. The drawback to that is I never know how to tell people things. It took years for me to tell all my best friends my entire past. While my past isn't a secret, it is a very sensative subject to me and so it's hard for me to hear people talk about similar situations or ask me about it. I just wish I knew how in the world to bring something like that up without scaring people away from me. I can actually be quiet the emo kid sometimes, which is why I've lost so many friends. Once again, I love all my friends for sticking by me through everything. I am also getting my feelings confused so much lately, that I'm wondering how I come across to certain people. I actually am quite easy to read, but that's a bad thing when you're not sure how you feel yourself.

I also have feel thinking a lot about the future. One of my friends is getting married this summer, and she's a little younger than me. It's strange, because it makes me realize I will hopefully be getting married in the next few years. It's exciting to think that I will soon have my own family, and even a daughter! Everyone who knows me knows just how bad I want a baby girl. :) But still.... there is a part of me that is terrified because I see my best friend and she is with her life and I'm afraid I will lose her when she gets married.... And  hate change and I don't think I could stand losing another friend. (Short pause while I try to read the screen.) Once you hit college you realize how close the future is, and it's scary. I honestly don't want to move out. I know that sounds terrible, but I love my mom and I love knowing that she'll be there if I need something. Once I move out, there is no garantees how often I will see her.

I feel like I've been babbling, and I probably have been. So I will stop for now, and try to sort out everything in my head. I would actually like it if everyone would comment their opinions on this (including those who normally don't, Nicki, Cameron, Tyler!) just so I can get as many peoples' opinions as I can.

Thanks for reading this. I'm sure I make no sense. :)


  1. Hello.

    First of all, as much as it may hurt you to find out that someone does not feel they can be themselves around you because they are afraid of what you'll think, it is a normal, human reaction to do so. Also, it takes time to get to that point with anyone. Some may take a longer time than others, but not everyone has the ability to come to that point even over long periods of time. As your relationship with this person grows and develops they will become more comfortable around you and eventually they will realize that you like them for who they are and not only what they pretend to be. As I recall, you had some similar feelings towards us a while back. I'm glad you've come to realize the value of our friendships though. It's not everyday you come across friends as good as ours :) And thank you for the kind compliment. It's nice to know my efforts are appreciated ^.^

    Also, I would advise you not to rush into letting everyone you become close to know your story. Take your time. You can tell whomever you wish, as it is your story to tell, but you don't always have to tell them right away, in fact, you don't even have to tell them at all. Yes, sometimes it may be important for them to know, but be patient about the timing. There will come a good time for them to know and you will know when that time arises.

    It is strange to think that she is getting married!!! Especially since she is younger than us :O And you're right, it's also exciting at the same time :D You should know, however, that you are not going to lose a friend just because she gets married. A wife needs BFFs just as much as she needs her husband ;) And your mom will always be your mom. She'll be there when you need her, even when you're out of the house :) Keep in mind the future holds gobs of excitement as well! God has amazing things in store for you later in life :D

    And don't worry, it made enough sense to at least comment on ;)

    Hope this helps!

    Love, Leanne

    P.S. The beginning of this post made me think of an advertisement xD

  2. Woot woot! First one to comment! :D

  3. I'm a close second!
    Haha, by the way Ariel, I'm really sorry if your little fishies die, because I just figured out you can FEED them, and it's been extremely entertaining for the last 5 minutes!! Too bad you can't get a hook and fish for them... haha just kidding!

    Anywho, I don't really have much to say, because Leanne always knows what she's talking about. (sorry for being kinda ditzy right now, but I am writing this shortly after I was on the webcam with you, and you saw how hyper I was! At least maybe I can lighten the mood...) Yes, it is not really important to spill your life story to everyone you start to get to know. Sheesh, the only reason I've told anyone a little bit of my story here at Corban is because we shared testimonies for our hall Bible Study! And I've been living with these people for 6 months! (Whoa, is that an ipad on the wallpaper? Getting all up with the times?)

    I most definitely know how you feel with not knowing what to do about someone who is hurting. It really stinks! But there isn't always an answer for everything anyways, so just stick with them and give them support. Give them a shoulder if you don't have any words to give.

    About moving out-- it is so amazing!! (Don't tell my family I said that.) Honestly, it feels great to have independence, to have your own schedule, to do what you want to do... and no, I'm not a feminist! I think you will really enjoy being away from family when you do get out. It's kinda like driving to me-- you are in control, you can decide which way you want to go, and take a detour if you want to, and don't have to answer to anyone about it! Within reason, of course.

    I hope you feel better soon, and that Bob leaves you alone. Hugs!!

  4. Ariel ~ I don't have much to say, because Leanne and Lindsay covered it all pretty well, once again. :) I do want to say though that I agree with them in saying that you shouldn't share your life story with everyone right away and if you don't feel comfortable enough with that person to do so then don't. Just wait till the timing is right and you will know when that time is. :) It's also important to be yourself and honestly, it sometimes doesn't matter what others think of you, unless they're your close friends and they're just trying to help you. :) I want to let you know that you haven't lost me as a friend. :) I love you! I think the most important thing to do at this point is to pray. Rely on God, trust in Him, and make Him most important. I know I really shouldn't be talking, because i need to do this more too, but it's still the best advise for anyone. I hope you feel better. :)
    Love in Christ, your friend, Rachel


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