Have you ever wanted to cry, for no reason?
Have you ever wanted to hep someone, but had no idea how?
Have you ever wanted to tell someone verythig that mattered but didn't know how to bring it up?
That would be where I am at.
I had a pretty scary dream about the end of the world last night, which in turn makes me pretty sensative today. More so than normal. I felt like crying, but I had no reason to. That feeling sucks.
Then I read something a very dear person to me wrote, and I DID cry. It hurts to know that people aren't their true selves around you because they are afraid of what you'll think. I try my best to not be judgemental, but the problem is I am distrustful and it takes a lot for me to trust someone right away. People unfortunately take that as judging, and in turn I lose friends. It's taken me awhile to realize how lucky I am to have the friends I do, because they know my moods and everything that is on my past and how it has affected me and they take me as I am. I just wish I could see that more often. Leanne is mzing; she supports me no matter how many stupid mistak I make, and will just hug me when I cry. Lindsay may not be around much, but when she is she always gives the best advice (even if I already know what she will say!). Even when my friends are overprotective of me, I know it's because they hate seeing me hurt in the past and just want what's best for me. But anyways, I hate knowing someone is hurting but not having any idea what to do about it.
I wish I wasn't so quiet sometimes. Yes, I know I'm a loudmouth. But I am actually fairly quiet sometimes. The drawback to that is I never know how to tell people things. It took years for me to tell all my best friends my entire past. While my past isn't a secret, it is a very sensative subject to me and so it's hard for me to hear people talk about similar situations or ask me about it. I just wish I knew how in the world to bring something like that up without scaring people away from me. I can actually be quiet the emo kid sometimes, which is why I've lost so many friends. Once again, I love all my friends for sticking by me through everything. I am also getting my feelings confused so much lately, that I'm wondering how I come across to certain people. I actually am quite easy to read, but that's a bad thing when you're not sure how you feel yourself.
I also have feel thinking a lot about the future. One of my friends is getting married this summer, and she's a little younger than me. It's strange, because it makes me realize I will hopefully be getting married in the next few years. It's exciting to think that I will soon have my own family, and even a daughter! Everyone who knows me knows just how bad I want a baby girl. :) But still.... there is a part of me that is terrified because I see my best friend and she is with her life and I'm afraid I will lose her when she gets married.... And hate change and I don't think I could stand losing another friend. (Short pause while I try to read the screen.) Once you hit college you realize how close the future is, and it's scary. I honestly don't want to move out. I know that sounds terrible, but I love my mom and I love knowing that she'll be there if I need something. Once I move out, there is no garantees how often I will see her.
I feel like I've been babbling, and I probably have been. So I will stop for now, and try to sort out everything in my head. I would actually like it if everyone would comment their opinions on this (including those who normally don't, Nicki, Cameron, Tyler!) just so I can get as many peoples' opinions as I can.
Thanks for reading this. I'm sure I make no sense. :)