I finally stopped hiding things from her yesterday. I got up the courage to write her a novel of a message on FB, since I was in class and knew I wouldn't see her until late. (Actually, I didn't see her at all. I was already in bed when she finally got back.) It was a very heart-felt message, and I almost cried writing it. It made me really sad to think about the way our friendship has ended up, and that most of it is my fault. I knew she wouldn't give me an actual response through the message, because she likes talking in person. That's fine, I understand. But I would have at least liked an acknowledgment that she got the message and would talk later... but nothing. And I know she's read it.
This morning I thought she might say something, because we were both awake and not doing much, the door was shut (she always closes the door when we talk), and no one else was bugging us. But nothing. The only thing she said the entire time before she left was, "How did your speech go?" Don't get me wrong, I was glad she remembered I had it and genuinely wanted to know how it went, but still. My speech isn't as big of an issue to me. I would rather fail the speech then go on acting the way we have been. *momentary break while I stop crying* Ahem. I care about her a lot, probably more than she knows. It's hard because I am a very huggy person, and we never hug. Ever. I know that's partially my fault because I never say anything and should, but still.
Normally I'm pretty good at hiding my emotions from the other girls on the floor. One can usually tell something is up, but knows not to ask unless I say something. Last night I realized how hard I've been taking this when another girl who I've only recently been becoming closer with immediately asked me what was wrong. It scares me to know that something like this is becoming so huge that I can't even hide it from the people I live on the floor with. What does it look like to her, who I actually room with?
I'm hoping to talk to her tonight. I actually just sent her a text, asking if we could talk after her evening class. I'm not sure if we will, because I'm pretty sure she has a test tomorrow and will want to be studying. But I figured it is worth a shot.
She is slowly becoming someone in my life that I can't label. She isn't my best friend. She isn't my study buddy. She isn't my movie buddy. So what is she then? She's the person who can relate to me. She's the person here I can trust with anything. She's my RA. And she's my roommate.
But the one thing I want her to become again, is simply my friend.